On a Day Like Today

You know those moments where you think you really have it all together? I have thought several times, particularly this summer, that I have really (finally) figured some things out! Like patience...man, I am SO much better with that than I have been in the past. And my temper, under control indeed! Responding to my kids in love and with a tender voice...that's me alright! Then, WHAM, a day like today happens.

Now if you really know me well, you know how I feel about bad days...they are a choice. So I choose not to have them...really, I do! One gift that I know that I have is to find the positive in any situation. And I did that today! The two babies woke up two hours too early this morning, so there was lots of screaming, crying, fussing, whining. But I knew naptime was coming; I could TASTE it! After lunch, I put the babies down. When the crying didn't subside after 15 minutes, I went to check on them. Aaron? Hanging over the side of his crib, having broken his clothes hamper while trying to make an escape. Yep, time to take the crib railing down. Sigh. Okay, nap time take 2...we did it! They slept! So I took the opportunity to balance my checkbook when I came across some odd charges. Oh no! Our bank account information has been used by someone else...several hundred dollars! I called the bank, getting a representative who did little to set my heart at ease. (I did later talk to someone who made me feel much better.) Babies awoke...crying, screaming, fussing...but I am good, holding it all together with my patience and lack of temper and ability to speak with a loving voice.

It didn't take much, though. David came home, we talked about the situation. We were sitting on the couch relaxing. The babies were calm. Life was good. Then Isaac asked if we could go somewhere. Such an innocent question from the world's best oldest child who just wanted to get out of the house for a while. I flipped. Looking back, I was so immature. That patience flew right out the window! That temper escalated quickly. I told him to get his shoes...with my very loud voice. He wanted to go to the park...I took him, all mad and upset and impatient. As I watched him play, as I listened to him run over to tell me some kids asked if he wanted to play with them, as I walked by the river with him, as he used his imagination making ninja stars out of sticks, I remembered that he's a kid who wants his mom to treasure him. He didn't deserve to be yelled out. All I was thinking when I yelled was why on earth he couldn't understand that I was stressed. Why in the world would he ask if he could go somewhere? Well, simply, because he's not me. Oh, he's a lot like me, but he is much more willing to let things roll off his shoulders.

I wish I could say I was pleasant to be around for the rest of the night, but I wasn't. Once I realized just how childish I had been, I was so ashamed! But I certainly wouldn't call this a bad day. Because I learned a lesson...several in fact. I learned that I still have a long (LONG, long, long) way to go in this journey. That my kids nor my husband deserve to be spoken to with harshness. That I am human but am also in position to receive God's grace to cover my sin...and His power to change me. And I must be intentional about that, letting Him change me. That my husband and kids love me and treasure me, even in my ugliness. On a day like today, I am thankful...for a lot!

To God Be the Glory!

This week has been an interesting one. Thursday I hit 31 weeks in my pregnancy with our GIRL, and considering that is the week Aaron was born in my pregnancy with him, I have been thinking a lot about the health of this baby. We have been monitored extremely closely throughout this pregnancy because what happened with Aaron was never diagnosed. For the most part, things have been fine. I had one high blood pressure reading last week (146/90), but this week it was very good at 120/76! This week I was told my amniotic fluid was a bit high and that they will keep an eye on that, but really I have had no bad news about the baby. I have been tested for EVERYTHING they can possibly test me for, and all has been normal. The best guess about what happened with Aaron was that he contracted some virus that they didn't test for that made him very sick...and that he truly is a miracle and his life a testimony!

I have prayed (as I know many have) throughout this pregnancy for health and life in my daughter. I have prayed for a full-term pregnancy. I have prayed that I would have peace and not be anxious. Yesterday, however, as I was getting ready for school, I was just talking to Jesus. I was sharing with him my concerns and praying that the amniotic fluid would go back to normal levels. And then I listened (a good practice). And I slowly began to realize that while my prayers were good and right and trusting, and while I did have faith in God that he could bring a healthy baby girl into my life, that in many ways I had sinned. I had to repent. Okay, I know what you're thinking...what in the world would you need to repent of? God certainly wants you to share your heart with him. Yes, he does! But in the midst of that, in my mind (and, yes, in my heart, too), I wanted God to provide a healthy baby to me because I wanted to be able to share with people how he brings complete restoration and how he is abundantly able. What's the sinful part? I was afraid that if God DIDN'T do this that I wouldn't be able to say that to people...that it would just look like he left me and had no regard for me...perhaps that it would give fuel to the fire of those who speak against him...see, there is no God, they could say. I think I was afraid that God wouldn't answer my prayers and that because of that, others would doubt his goodness and his hand.

I was brought to tears. Because I am human, and He is BIGGER! My ways are not His ways, and my thoughts are not His thoughts (Isaiah 55:8). And, gasp! He knows how to bring glory to Himself far better than I do! And I had sinned by thinking in my mind that I knew the best way...that if He didn't do it the way I thought He should, that He wouldn't look great! I was so wrong.

So I give God the glory, however He chooses to make that happen! I surrender my own agenda. I do still pray and believe for a healthy, full-term baby girl! I know that He is able! I also know, though, that I trust Him. I trust whatever he does in me and in her. To God be the glory!!!!

Heart Rumblings

Okay, so perhaps the title is odd...not sure how else to title what I have been feeling lately. There have been a lot of things weighing on my mind, and I have a growing sense of uneasiness.

First, as many of  you know, my parents were released from their positions this past January. They (and perhaps all of us) thought it would be a short stint of no work; instead, it has turned into seven months. They are truly in desperate need of jobs. This is one thing weighing on my heart, possibly because my feelings of them being released from their positions are that it was done wrongly. I am praying and feeling quite burdened for them!

Second, I have been concerned about the state of our world. Yes, a large concern it is! There is so much us versus them dialogue going on right now (regarding Christians versus whomever), and even Christians themselves are in different camps. Further, it is troubling that many who call themselves Christ-followers are turning their backs on his very teachings. What has really brought this to the forefront of my mind is the whole Chick-fil-a controversy. First, I feel that it has been blown up to be a much bigger issue than it should have been. The man answered a question without making any prejudicial remarks. That said, many have called into question the types of organizations Chick-fil-a supports. I will admit that I have not done my research here. What I do know is that I stand for biblical values and I support what he espoused. I do not, however, support hatred, violence, or bullying toward the LGBT community. Rather, in order to act in Christlike manner, I support love. LOVE! Treating all, regardless of sexual preference, with love.

All that said, I do feel America is on the brink of major change. It may call into question much of what Christians believe. It may mean standing for Christ requires a harder road to be walked. It may bring persecution such as we have never seen. And I have to wonder...are we ready? I mean really ready? Have I prepared my kids to stand for Christ? Have I prepared myself? I am burdened to do just that. To prepare me and them to stand for Christ no matter what. I am burdened to pray more. I am burdened for the lost...and I even pray to be burdened more for them!

Generations continued...

Grandma Frances is one of the two grandparents I am most like. She had a heart for the lost and the hurting. She worked as a nurse most of her life, and in her later years she went on several mission trips to minister to the poor and the unsaved. She spent her entire life taking care of people, and she did it with a glad heart!

Many people have told me throughout the years that they can see that I have a great propensity to love. I believe this is a trait I got from Grandma. She loved deeply, and she made sure to tell you so. While she was never a wealthy woman, I was shocked to discover the amount of money she had in the bank after her death. She lived in a small, rundown home for the whole time I knew her, yet she had the money to fix some things. But it was important to her to leave a legacy for her kids. This is something I want to do for my kids as well!

When I went to South Carolina for her funeral, so many family members remarked over and over how much I looked like her. I never had realized, and perhaps still don't, that I did. But they would say how beautiful she was. I have certainly never thought of myself as beautiful. (I mean, I have my moments, but...) If I were to be beautiful, though, I would want Grandma's kind of beauty. Sure, she was a pretty woman, and it was important to her to always look her best, but what made her beautiful was her spirit of love...I want that!

The summer before she passed away, I visited. She had pulled some of her important jewelry aside for me. I knew then that she knew she was going to die soon. She told me what each piece was. It probably isn't worth much, but it is so valuable to me, and I am thankful that she took the time to get it together for me.

Generations

During my life, I have been blessed to know a lot of my grandparents. I knew most of my parent's parents: Papa Steve, Meemaw (Grandma Betty), and Grandma Frances. My Papa Joe died a little less than a year before I was born. I knew most of my greats: Papa Mackey, Grandma Mackey, Papa Fricks, Louise (Papa Fricks' second wife), Grandma Nelson, and Grandma Garrett. I even knew one great-great: Mama Dickerson. Most of these grandparents lived into their late eighties, some into their nineties. They provided me with a rich childhood woven with storytellers, history buffs, travelers, and, most importantly, God-fearing Christ-followers. My roots run deep, and I have multitudinous memories with them.

My very last grandparent passed away on January 4, early in the morning. There is always an element of sadness surrounding death, yet there is the joy of knowing she is in heaven! Meemaw's death brought me to the realization that, with all of my grandparents gone, the rich history they have gifted me with needs to be cherished and not forgotten. An entire generation of my past is gone, along with the wisdom of life experience with which they spoke. And it's up to me to remember.

I think perhaps one of the greatest lessons Meemaw taught me was unconditional love. She was married to my Papa Steve. He was a wonderful man, and I loved him dearly. But he could be a bit of a grouch. Yet Meemaw loved him...adored him! And he adored her! At Christmas every year they had a musical mistletoe that hung in the doorway from the living room to the hallway ; they frequently wound up underneath it together! If anyone could pull the tenderness out of Papa, it was Meemaw; he had a soft spot for her indeed. No matter how grouchy he may have been, I NEVER heard him raise his voice to her. After he died in 1998, she and I spoke of him often. She loved him, and she hurt every time she remembered his death. She was a great model of how a wife should really take care of her husband, and I pray I can take care of my husband in the same way.

I saw her love again when I showed her a picture of David after we were engaged. I didn't know what to expect, but I knew I was scared. See, she grew up in Greenville, South Carolina, during a time that racial segregation was common. This was an area where the KKK ran rampant, where my parents drove down a street while dating and had to turn around because there was a KKK meeting in the middle of it. But she loved David in spite of his skin color, and she told me years later that Papa Steve would have accepted and loved him as well. She loved, regardless of your mood, attitude, or appearance...a valuable lesson!

Papa Steve also taught me great things! He went to church off and on throughout life, but about a year before he died, he accepted Christ. He was a tremendous example of true change in the life of a believer. During that year, he was baptized (and so excited about it), and he very rarely missed a church service. God started changing his mood, his racist attitude...everything! He was passionate about being saved, and he was certainly not ashamed to share it. In that year prior to his death, I remember watching that joyous transformation. I remember him praying for my uncle to accept Christ. I remember his sharing Christ with so many whom he had known his whole life...he wanted everyone to have the relationship with Christ that he did!

To be continued....

Because we all start somewhere...

I have never really been a New Year's resolution kind of girl. Perhaps because they are made to be broken. Perhaps because I am not focused. Perhaps because I don't want to fail. So I won't call these resolutions; rather, I will refer to them as my 2012 Bucket List...the things I truly want to work toward this year.

1. To have a fresh, intimate relationship with Christ that grows daily. I want His Word to be living and active in my life, visible to all with whom I come in contact. I want my words to be His.

2. To have my children's hearts...to make memories with them and raise them to love the Lord and to live for Him. I want my kids to know Christ through me, and I want them to experience life with me.

3. To be a Proverbs 31 woman...the kind of woman my husband longs to be with and loves to talk about. I want my sons to look for the qualities they see in me in their future wives.

4. To write. While I would love to be published, I'm just not there yet, so I am at least publishing myself via this blog, and I hope you will follow me and at times provide feedback.

5. To go on a family vacation. I have been married for nearly eight years, and we have never gone on a family vacation by ourselves.

6. To save money...to go on said vacation among other things.

7. To change our eating style. To eat out less, to cook more nutritious meals, and to teach our kids the importance of this.

8. To improve my "health numbers." I am a mostly healthy person. My cholesterol and sugars are good, but there is always room for improvement. Primarily here I am looking for the number on the scale to go down, as well as my pant size.

9. To engage in much more physical activity, for my health and weight and children!

10. To give freely and generously as led by God.

11. To read books that challenge me. I primarily want to be challenged by the Word of God, though I want to read some additional treasures as well.

12. To decorate and fix up the home we have owned for five years...it's about time!

So there it is. It's all laid out for the world (at least some of it) to see. Experts say that if you write a goal down and make it measurable you will succeed. They are written, and they are measurable. I hope that you enjoy following my journey, and I also hope you are able to pick up some tips from me along way. Many blessings to you as you start your 2012! May God grant you favor and give you direction.