This week has been an interesting one. Thursday I hit 31 weeks in my pregnancy with our GIRL, and considering that is the week Aaron was born in my pregnancy with him, I have been thinking a lot about the health of this baby. We have been monitored extremely closely throughout this pregnancy because what happened with Aaron was never diagnosed. For the most part, things have been fine. I had one high blood pressure reading last week (146/90), but this week it was very good at 120/76! This week I was told my amniotic fluid was a bit high and that they will keep an eye on that, but really I have had no bad news about the baby. I have been tested for EVERYTHING they can possibly test me for, and all has been normal. The best guess about what happened with Aaron was that he contracted some virus that they didn't test for that made him very sick...and that he truly is a miracle and his life a testimony!
I have prayed (as I know many have) throughout this pregnancy for health and life in my daughter. I have prayed for a full-term pregnancy. I have prayed that I would have peace and not be anxious. Yesterday, however, as I was getting ready for school, I was just talking to Jesus. I was sharing with him my concerns and praying that the amniotic fluid would go back to normal levels. And then I listened (a good practice). And I slowly began to realize that while my prayers were good and right and trusting, and while I did have faith in God that he could bring a healthy baby girl into my life, that in many ways I had sinned. I had to repent. Okay, I know what you're thinking...what in the world would you need to repent of? God certainly wants you to share your heart with him. Yes, he does! But in the midst of that, in my mind (and, yes, in my heart, too), I wanted God to provide a healthy baby to me because I wanted to be able to share with people how he brings complete restoration and how he is abundantly able. What's the sinful part? I was afraid that if God DIDN'T do this that I wouldn't be able to say that to people...that it would just look like he left me and had no regard for me...perhaps that it would give fuel to the fire of those who speak against him...see, there is no God, they could say. I think I was afraid that God wouldn't answer my prayers and that because of that, others would doubt his goodness and his hand.
I was brought to tears. Because I am human, and He is BIGGER! My ways are not His ways, and my thoughts are not His thoughts (Isaiah 55:8). And, gasp! He knows how to bring glory to Himself far better than I do! And I had sinned by thinking in my mind that I knew the best way...that if He didn't do it the way I thought He should, that He wouldn't look great! I was so wrong.
So I give God the glory, however He chooses to make that happen! I surrender my own agenda. I do still pray and believe for a healthy, full-term baby girl! I know that He is able! I also know, though, that I trust Him. I trust whatever he does in me and in her. To God be the glory!!!!
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